I loved these messages because it's a feeling that is so coveted...so wanted by so many, so.......... lovely. I really wish our story was just that......lovely. I've thought about that word this entire weekend and I have to admit that sometimes reading about things that are/seem so lovely......so perfect.....so mistake free.....have the opposite effect on me. Sometimes, it can cause me to feel like a failure, inadequate, incapable and extremely imperfect because of my experience with Olivia's health over the last fifteen years. Everything we tried to help Olivia failed. Life's "hard". Trying to experience life as lovely felt impossible.
To tell our story truthfully, you would see how simply unlovely of a journey it has all been. Unlovely in terms of the "fall out" that happens in a story like Olivia's. Fifteen years of suffering, confusion and disappointment in treatment failures that ultimately wore down relationships with distressing and traumatic consequences.
But this imperfect journey brings me to the good stuff. That good stuff being the One who can make the tough road lovely. Where Grace meets the hard road and shows the way. I feel it would be incredibly phony of me to appear like it was an easy journey for my family -- especially with the Medicinal Cannabis miracle. Phony, in that, it may appear as though I walked this difficult road in my own strength, when the opposite is true. I feel led to show you the journey of a frantic fear based mother who had no idea how to be "thankful in all circumstances" (1 Thessalonians 5:18) and learn to trust a God whose position on living is much the same as a saying my yoga instructor whispers quietly in class.......If you can breathe there, you can be there.
And so I am there. Breathing there. Accepting that our broken road prepares His will for us. That our story has a brand new season that is just beginning. What's ironic is that it took the bulk of this 15 year journey for me to finally be content and thankful in my circumstances and then in an instant it was July 2015 and Medicinal Marijuana was legally available.....and the miracles began. It was then that I realized I was thankful before the blessing came - which said a lot about my transformation.
I am thankful for the first seizure free Thanksgiving in 15 years. I am thankful for Medicinal Cannabis, and the anti-convulsant properties that were created by God, not modern medicine. I am thankful for my husband, son and 2nd daughter. I am thankful that our family is emerging from "survival" living. I am thankful and hopeful for her future. I am thankful her bones are not frail anymore. I am thankful that she has gained 11 pounds since September. I am thankful for her progress shown in the video's below.
Video taken May 2015 - she was sliding downhill fast. This particular day I will never forget. Rounds and rounds of seizure - on the edge of my seat waiting to make the ambulance call.
First week in November - spending more and more time out of the chair. She is getting stronger and wants to walk again - to gain that freedom - but she realizes she is not ready to do on her own.
My hope is that Olivia's progress will show God's faithfulness - even after 15 years of praying, believing but not seeing. God can restore the feeling of all things lovely --- check out His word:
Isaiah 61:1-3 The Year of the Lord’s Favor
The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me,
because the Lord has anointed me
to proclaim good news to the poor.
He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
to proclaim freedom for the captives
and release from darkness for the prisoners,[a]
to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor
and the day of vengeance of our God,
to comfort all who mourn,
and provide for those who grieve in Zion—
to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes,
the oil of joy instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair.
They will be called oaks of righteousness,
a planting of the Lord or the display of his splendor.
Tenth Avenue North - Times
I know I need You I need to love You I'd love to see You but it's been so long
I long to feel You I feel this need for You I need to hear You Is that so wrong
Now You pull me near You When we're close I fear You Still I'm afraid to tell you all that I've done
Are You done forgiving Or can You look past my pretending, Lord I'm so tired of defending what I've become What have I become
I hear You say My love is over It's underneath It's inside It's in between
The times that you doubt me When you can't feel The times that you question Is this for real
The times you're broken The times that you mend The times you hate me And the times that you bend
Well my love is over It's underneath It's inside It's in between The times that you're healing And when your heart breaks The times that you feel like you've fallen from grace The times you're hurting
The times that you heal The times you go hungry and are tempted to steal
In times of confusion In chaos and pain I'm there in your sorrow under the weight of your shame
I'm there through your heart-ache I'm there in the storm
My love I will keep you by my power alone
I don't care where you've fallen or where you have been
I'll never forsake you
My love never ends
It never ends