Olivia's journey has been rough - to say the least. Born perfectly healthy, her declining health has always been called a mystery. Fifteen years have come and gone, with no change to the daily seizures that have held our hearts hostage..... until now. Finding HOPE and healing for our girl began with the introduction of Medicinal Cannabis - A controversial treatment for untreatable seizure disorders.

Her story briefly -

At 18-months she developed little "shaking spells" in the middle of the night. Olivia's journey has been rough - to say the least. Born perfectly healthy, her declining health has always been called a mystery. Fifteen years have come and gone, with no change to the daily seizures that have held our hearts hostage..... until now. Finding HOPE and healing for our girl began with the introduction of Medicinal Cannabis - A controversial treatment for untreatable seizure disorders.The Neurologist called them "Generalized Myoclonic Seizures". In many cases this can be the beginning of a degenerative condition, but month after month Olivia “defied” this inaccurate diagnosis by continuing to develop normally. Several months later, after a medical procedure, the little "shakes" became large jerks that would catapult her to the floor. She stopped talking, stopped responding to our voice and appeared have entered her own little world. The seizures continued to change. They soon became "drop" seizures and would come on with no warning and she would fall or crash into whatever was in front or below her. They continued to worsen into classic tonic clonic seizures that would last anywhere between 40 to 90 seconds.

Complexity was the word often used to describe Olivia's condition. We've done our due diligence.....we tried all the medications, none worked. We tried the supplement route through a well-known clinic in Chicago. We then tried the Specific Carbohydrate Diet (SCD), to which the Gut and Psychology Syndrome (GAPS) diet is developed from. We saw such amazing results from this diet we decided to take her off the many supplements she was taking because we didn't think she needed them. Well, we were wrong, and she crashed. Apparently, the supplements were helping her --- it was not a coincidence. It made sense that to get her back (at least to the place before pulling the supplements away), we should just put her back on the supplements -- but it didn't happen that way. The complexity often used to describe her was now ten fold, any change we made "upset" her fragile hypersensitivity to change and her path became even more confusing and "crooked". The Medicinal Cannabis has finally given us a mechanism to control the extreme Neurological Inflammation racing through her little body -- something every anticonvulsant medication failed to deliver on.

Our beautiful girl

Our beautiful girl

As a parent to a severely autistic child who has daily uncontrolled seizures, the memory of her being "normal" has never been forgotten. The hope of helping, if not stopping her daily suffering has been an uphill journey. Approaching her situation from a diet perspective is not an entirely new idea. Olivia was on a version of the SCD diet in 2005 with some success because I never introduced the homemade yogurt, which is the main healing modality. The main difference between then and now is the knowledge base of Dr. McBride and her ability to share the wealth of information she personally gathered as she cured her own severely autistic child with the SCD diet.

I do respect and am thankful for the excellent emergency practices of the conventional medical institution. Their services have literally saved Olivia's life on numerous occasions. Alternative care has taught me so much about the power of your own immune system, and the tragedy that can follow when the immune system is damaged. Why these two worlds can't work together to shape and protect us all is a shame.

This blog is really about our journey over the last 15 years. Although the focus is Olivia and her recovery, I will also include how this has affected our whole family and how we have dealt with this unexpected interruption in our lives.

Hebrews 11:1 -

Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see.

Have a question or comment for me?

If you have a question or comment for me feel free to leave it under the "comments" section on the bottom of each individual post. If you would like to leave a private comment you can email me at kellynjohnson94@gmail.com.

Sunday, March 3, 2019

Finally....the doors are opening. πŸ™ŒπŸ»

I'm wondering if anyone can relate?

Are there others like me?  Others, who just followed the rules and got burned? Others, who have sat on the sidelines and watched as other vaccine injured children have reclaimed their lives with drugs, therapy or supplement intervention?

I have spent years and years trying to fix it...you know, that mistake I made out of ignorance. Years and years of attempting an array of things to help her....only to have door after door slammed in my face.

And now, suddenly, a couple new doors are opening.

I absolutely love this scripture. To add some context, it comes from John's letter to the Church of Philadelphia, one of the seven churches in the province of Asia that he writes to about a vision he received from Christ.

Incredible words from an incredible time. Words that I can take hold of for myself, for Olivia. Words that are living for me and my situation today.

He knows my works. An open door that NO ONE is able to shut. He KNOWS I have but little power in my situation. He KNOWS I have kept my word and have not denied HIS name.

How much more can I ask?

Right now, with Olivia, it's subtle things. Subtle differences that have taken root over the last several months. To the average person there's no hint of anything big taking place. All in all, she still appears the same. She still has seizures (although not as many and not as hard), she is still a bit weak and not able to walk on her own (but can walk up the stairs to take a bath on most days). We are almost back to her baseline before the last hospitalization. Whew! That was a lot of work - but so worth it!

I don't know.....its just a feeling, like a change in the atmosphere of our situation. Hard to quantify but that feeling of daily dread has lifted. We are on a new road now and although the appearance of what's to come is "a cloud as small as a man's fist" (I Kings 18:44), I know the rain of blessings is coming. I can feel it.

I apologize for the lack of updates. Olivia's care has been more demanding and I am in the process of cleaning out my in-laws house. Unfortunately, they both passed away within months of each other . It's a difficult thing to sort through the remnants of two lives.....seeing the material things we collect along the way as just that..... material things that stay back and linger in the basement.

Even with all the hardships with Olivia over that last almost two decades, I feel I can still stand strong and recognize the goodness of God in my life. Yes, He allowed this devastation, but "allowed" is the main point. I CHOSE to trust and believe in a manmade system of health care. I was blind and ignorant to the choice I made - I did zero research on the dangers of vaccines and the damage that can and does inflict SO many children. Haunting U.S. statistics:

1 in 20 children under the age of 5 have or have had seizures
1 in 38 children are now Autistic
1 in 10 children have ADHD
1 in 6 children have learning disabilities

*CDC statistics

The takeaway for us is that He sustained her instead of taking her. He protected her body and brain from all the pharmaceutical medications --- especially from all the potent medications she was given in the hospital in early 2018. Remember....they said she would never be able to hold her head up again. Their "New Normal" prognosis can't stand up to the power of God's provision.

I was reminded of this gorgeous song last week. Bethel Music!❤️❤️❤️❤️

Lyric nuggets from this song that speak to me:

For Your mercy never failed me
All my days, I've been held in Your hands

I love Your voice
You have led me through the fire
And in darkest night You are close like no other

'Cause Your goodness is running after, it's running after me
Your goodness is running after, it's running after me

Olivia the "snow bird" getting off the bus. The amount of snow we've had is crazy!! I choose to believe that for Olivia and I this is the beginning of our SHOWER of BLESSINGS!!! It's just in frozen form right now!



Thursday, January 31, 2019

Even the Weak Can Fight to Overcome✨

Whew. What a year.

We've been so busy rehabbing and rebuilding, that I literally missed the 1-year anniversary of Olivia's last admittance to the hospital.....exactly 1 year ago this week.

Remembering it....takes me back.  Takes me back to one of the worst hospitalizations of Olivia's life. One filled with ignorance, the use of intimidation and fear with her diagnosis, treatment and eventually her prognosis.

If you are new to Restoring Olivia, I'd invite you to read some of the past blog posts from that period:

Where do you looketh?
Back Here Again
Can Wisdom Be Elusive for the Wise?
Valentine Fever? When loving the broken is this year's planπŸ’”
Faithfully Waiting for that "Suddenly" Moment. Can We Bounce Back?
Repentance - For the Race Set Before Us
The Perfect Storm
Assumptions Can Be Deceiving

Olivia is moving past this. All of this. Just another insult to her destroyed vitality. Rebuilding that vitality is of much more importance. I'm so thankful I've moved past it too.


I have.

I no longer want to be captive by those memories and the pain that lies within them. Of course, the enemy of my soul loves to take me back there, but God wants us to leave. To resolve. To look to Him instead of back at the unfairness of it all.

But, does that mean I shouldn't talk about our journey? Talk about what happened to her? Why would I bury our experience? For no-one else to see and learn from.

I ran into a woman at the grocery store who is a "prayer" person from a local ministry. She asked how Olivia was doing, and several questions later I was telling her of our hospital experience. Within an instant, she was asking (telling?) me that I HAVE TO forgive the doctors and that THEY WERE ONLY DOING WHAT THEY KNEW HOW. That they WERE THERE TO HELP. She had no interest in listening to the "WHY's" of Olivia's near-miss demise. She had some defending to preach.

Very unsettling. I no longer fall for this shaming tactic. A lecture from an individual who supposedly hears from God.

I get it. I am to forgive, which I told her I had done. But, she wanted my silence. She, herself, judged. Why I wondered?

People are so afraid of the truth.....even christian prayer warriors. They don't want to hear about the damage that was done to my perfect, beautiful girl by the conventional medical community.....they only want to sing their praise.

I no longer lift up and rely on supposed "religious" people in my community. They have never embraced our story and I only walk away feeling wounded. I always felt as though they were stronger, smarter and closer to God than I.

What a lie I believed.

I wonder if that is how many of the parents in my situation are treated. Love, grace & mercy to everyone --- except that mother who CLAIMS her child's life was destroyed by vaccines. No, not her, not ever.

This past year I've changed course. No longer am I the desperate mother waiting to talk with some religious folk...instead I am the desperate mother waiting for a conversation with God Himself.

I go directly to His Word. I focus on scripture like these:

He gives power to the weak, and to those who have no might He increases strength. Isaiah 40:29 😘

God has rescued us from the power of darkness and has brought us into the kingdom of his Son, whom he loves. Colossians 1:13

Jesus told his disciples "The knowledge of the secrets of the kingdom of heaven has been given to you, but not to the masses. Matthew 13:11-12

The more we study and learn the more God will reveal Luke 12:7 (NIV)

Indeed, the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows. Luke 12:7

What I've learned is that I can move past this horrible experience without shutting it away in a cold, dark place in my heart. With God's help, I am able to forgive their inexperience and awful decision making.

This new strategy is working wonders. Do you remember the "new normal" they said would come of Olivia's life? The prognosis we left the hospital with?

Inability to eat real food - to eat and swallow
Inability to hold her head up
Inability to sit again
Inability to walk again

We are well past all these except the walking thing - check out the video from last week's physical therapy:

Remember the verse I was leaning on during those initial months home from the hospital?

I will lead the blind by ways they have not known, along unfamiliar paths I will guide them;
I will turn the darkness into light before them and make the rough places smooth.
These are the things I will do;  I will not forsake them.      Isaiah 42:16

He turns darkness into light.....not the other way around. I do not have to be ashamed.

I do not have to hide our difficult journey in the dark. His light has, and will continue to light the way. Darkness and shaming are not of Him.

Darkness comes. In the middle of it, the future looks blank. The temptation to quit is huge. Don't. You are in good company... You will argue with yourself that there is no way forward. But with God, nothing is impossible. He has more ropes and ladders and tunnels out of pits than you can conceive. Wait. Pray without ceasing. Hope. 

John Piper


Monday, December 31, 2018

Happy New Year!!

Quite the year we had in 2018.

I could go there again. You know....the place where I point out the unfairness of the last 11 months (wait the last 19  years)....but I will not.

You know why? This is the first time, since this madness all started, where I finally feel at peace.

Peace about Olivia's future.

I feel armed with REAL knowledge about her injury and a new path that has already yielded a miraculous recovery from where we started in April.

This verse from Isaiah continues to shine light in the darkness that almost took my girl:

I will lead the blind by ways they have not known,
    along unfamiliar paths I will guide them;
I will turn the darkness into light before them
    and make the rough places smooth.
These are the things I will do;
    I will not forsake them. Isaiah 42:16

I'd like to focus on the things she has overcome this year:

  • She has regained complete head control.
  • She has regained the ability to eat, including chewing and swallowing.
  • She has regained the ability to get herself to a sitting position from laying down.
  • She has regained the ability to walk, while being supported
  • She has started attempting to raise herself up and balance on her knees.
  • She has regained the ability to walk up our two story stairwell for a bath (with help of course).
All of these gains, with none of the pharmaceuticals I was told she needed when we left the hospital. 

We are gaining ground, not losing.

I was thinking......this time I'd like to document some New Year Resolution Goals for Olivia's progress:
  • Independent walking.
  • Independent eating.
  • Self care skills.
  • Healthier year.
  • Relocating her bed back upstairs to her bedroom (with her setback, her bed is in our office).
  • Testing of communication devices.
  • ABA type therapy.
  • Getting her out in the community more.
These goals may appear as no-brainers for the average person, but for Olivia they are monumental.

I have my own resolutions...
  • To have more courage with sharing her story.  BE BRAVE
  • To trust, that for some crazy reason I was chosen for this .   BE CONFIDENT
  • To engrave on my heart what I have gained from my relationship with Jesus.  BE LOVED
A couple nuggets of truth I've learned through this hardship:
  • All things work together for good (Romans 8:28)
  • God has started and is perfecting a good work in me ( Philippians 1:6 )
  • I can find grace and mercy in my time of need ( Hebrews 4:16 )
  • He has given me a spirit of power, love and a sound mind ( 2 Timothy 1:7 )
  • I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me ( Philippians 4:13 )
  • I have been chosen and appointed by God to bear fruit ( John 15:16 )
  • I have been redeemed and forgiven of all my sins ( Colossians 1:14 )
  • I have been established, anointed and sealed by God ( 2 Corinthians 1:21-22)
  • Olivia and I are protected by His Love & Faithfulness ( Psalms 40:11 )
  • He arms me with strength, makes me surefooted as a deer. Prepares me for battle, with His shield. His right hand supports me and provides a path for my feet  to keep from slipping.         ( Psalms 18:32-36 )
I could seriously go on and on. Truth soothes those nerves of dread each and every time.

As we enter 2019 with high hopes and expectations of new possibilities for Olivia's life, I need to remember that even though I can be such a wienie when it comes to her suffering, I apparently am the one He chose for this particular journey. When I'm at the height of my "wienieness", I love to crank the volume high on Lauren Daigle's new song --- "You Say"

Here's a sampling of the lyrics:

I keep fighting voices in my mind that say I’m not enough,
Every single lie that tells me I will never measure up
Am I more than just the sum of every high and every low?
Remind me once again just who I am, because I need to know

You say I am loved when I can’t feel a thing
You say I am strong when I think I am weak
You say I am held when I am falling short
When I don’t belong, oh You say that I am Yours
And I believe, oh I believe
What You say of me
I believe

The only thing that matters now is everything You think of me
In You I find my worth, in You I find my identity,

Taking all I have and now I'm laying it at Your feet
You have every failure God, and You'll have every victory,

You say I am loved when I can’t feel a thing
You say I am strong when I think I am weak
You say I am held when I am falling short
When I don’t belong, oh You say that I am Yours
And I believe, oh I believe 
What You say of me
I believe
Oh I believe, yes I believe
What You say of me
Oh I believe

Take a listen:

Happy New Year Dear Friends ----- I'm looking forward to more Overcoming in 2019!!

Tuesday, December 25, 2018

Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas from Olivia & I!!πŸŽ„

A couple notes about the attached video....Puppy kisses are fun for everyone, but more importantly look how stable she has become since the last time I’ve updated you!

It’s hard to believe that at this time last year we were celebrating (πŸ€”) Christmas in the hospital and the following months in-patient robbed the little bit of independence she had before being admitted. (Sigh)

But today is different.....we are in restoration mode, even if it is slow. I’m incredibly thankful for the amazing strides she has made in the last 8 months. Remember.....the prognosis was that her new normal was devastating - no head control, inability to sit independently and walking again would be impossible.

Thank God the experts were wrong.

I love that The True Expert focuses on other things.....healing, restoration, resurrection and rebirth. Making all things new. Believing and receiving.

Thank you for your prayers for my warrior. They mean so much♥️

Friday, November 23, 2018

Happy Thanksgiving!!

Olivia and I want to wish everyone a Happy Thanksgiving! We are so appreciative of the wonderful thoughts and prayers sent our way over the last several years. Olivia continues her fight to regain all that has been lost. I'm in awe of her strength and am eternally grateful for this second chance and the new path we are on.
So much to update you on! Her progress......what she's regained!


Sunday, November 18, 2018

Am I a Gomer?

Are you a Gomer? Have you heard about Gomer? No, not Gomer Pyle!πŸ˜‚

I'm referring to the Hosea+Gomer bible story? It's been called one of the greatest love stories of all time. Somewhat simple to define, much more complex to understand the context. It's a symbolic message of a not so perfect marriage between God's prophet Hosea, and his unfaithful wife Gomer.

Their marriage is a symbolic representation of God’s relationship with Israel.

Hosea=God    Gomer=Israel=His unfaithful chosen ones (which ultimately=me+you)

Are you wondering what this has to do with Olivia?

Unfortunately, it has everything to do with why Olivia's life was destroyed. Literally. It's Truth will describe how she can get her life back. Hopefully.

Although I've been familiar with this bible story for some time, I've never taken the time to dive deeper into it's meaning until now. Fortunately for me, it happens to be the study I started this fall --
Hosea: Unfailing Love Changes Everything by Jennifer Rothschild.

Have you ever heard the Bible referred to as the Living Word? I've heard that expression for years and even though this study is hard for some to swallow, I feel as if God has been speaking through it to answer some of the unanswered (unanswerable?) questions I've dealt with (on and off) for the last 18 years.

Like.....why my kid? Or....where are You God, cuz this hurts (and stinks, and sucks and is excruciatingly painful). Or, how about this one......where's Your plan for good here? Or..... is healing for the faithful or the lucky? Or, how about that constant wondering if You see me? Do You see her? Do You see the suffering?

Just those little questions.

I always likened myself as more of a Gilmore Girl......not a Gomer Girl. For all of you who know and love Lorelei Gilmore, you know, and probably can relate, to her flawed coping mechanisms on display throughout the series. You know....that damn independence...or is it self dependence? The mistake she made at 16 and the consequences she endured (even though the worst of the consequences were sadly inflicted by herself). Remember how she ran away? How she isolated herself (and her beautiful mistake -- Rory).  She hid to conceal and protect her heart from the criticism. She went into control mode. She hid from her perceived failure. Her mistake defined her whole life. She became proud. Those darn MISTAKES!!! Sound familiar?

Now, that's relatable.

Gomer, on the other hand, not so much. She's a prostitute. An adulterer. She's portrayed as a willful participant in her unfaithfulness, but is she? Is she willful or is she blinded? Her history mentions the sins of her father.....whose fame seems to be his promiscuous nature... like father, like daughter. Her history is telling for all of us. We inherit more than our genes from our parents. We inherit habits, both good and bad. We inherit behaviors, thinking patterns and wellness habits. Most of all, we inherit "learned" belief systems, whether they are true or not.

There is so much depth in the book of Hosea. Entire sermon series and bible studies dive deep into the riches of truth and wisdom contained within these pages. I will only be focusing on what I believe is the lesson for me at this point in my journey with Olivia. God speaks to each of us individually, and what I get out of these scriptures may be drastically different then what you may see. For me, the role of scripture is to learn about God's character and to apply the obvious life lessons that are so richly taught in this accurately named.....Living Word.

Within the book of Hosea, we see God's anger as His people turn away from Him to worship other gods and idols. Their unfaithfulness to Him. It's a book about people wandering.  Wandering away, not towards their God in Heaven. Step within, and soon you'll learn more details of the consequences to blind faith and inherited beliefs. They will hit your blindfold smack dab in the middle.

We are introduced to phony religious leaders and learn the dangers of a "copy cat" religious system set up by man. It details how these men seek to replace Him. Worshipping golden calves as a core belief system in their newly formed "Northern Kingdom" wasn't too smart, but it "appeared" smart because for years and years their economy was incredibly successful. Lots and lots of money, however, most of their citizens were morally and spiritually bankrupt. Oh, yes.....they still believed in God, they just went to the other ones first. He wasn't their one and only.

This is the Hosea scripture that stopped me in my tracks:

You stumble day and night, and the prophets stumble with you.
So I will destroy your mother—my people are destroyed from lack of knowledge.
“Because you have rejected knowledge, I also reject you as my priests;
because you have ignored the law of your God, I also will ignore your children. Hosea 4:5-6.

Kind of rough wouldn't you say? God's anger at Israel is obvious. Why do I feel as though this is a major clue to the destruction in my life? Is this type of anger towards me in some way? I, too, have stumbled day and night as I've searched for the wisdom to heal my baby girl. The "prophets" of our age, aka the doctors, have stumbled as well. I'm destroyed, my daughter is destroyed by this ever-increasing "lack of knowledge".  Is He ignoring my beautiful girl?

It got me thinking....what about my wanderings? What about my early belief system? Who did I, or do I idolize?

I think I represent many people from my generation. I had a "learned belief system" in respect to having children. My believe system, i.e.,  the first people I consulted on anything with my health, my children's health etc. was the medical community. Sure, I believed in God, but, I was taught they are the experts, and that is what I followed. I trusted them. I believed every word they said. I didn't even flinch when it came to giving my newborns those "life saving" vaccines, including injections that were given within 12 hours of life. Why would I? They were golden in my eyes.

Isn't this truth? Aren't they the golden calves of our age? It's just what the average American family did. No questions....just believe. We all IDOLIZED them. No questions asked.

Cambridge Dictionary defines idol as:   a person who is loved, admired, or respected a lot.

Biblical definitions are a bit more serious:

"Idolatry literally means the worship of an "idol", also known as a cult image, in the form of a physical image, such as a statue or icon.  In Abrahamic religions, namely Christianity, Islam and Judaism, idolatry connotes the worship of something or someone other than God as if it were God." Wikepedia

It's my history, just like Gomer had her history. I was raised with parents that witnessed the "miracle" of the polio vaccine. They passed down the stories of the people in their community who lost their lives to polio. Even more so, were the stories of all that were SAVED by the selfless medical community. The legends were real to them, and within one or two generations, a learned belief system was solidified with a symbolic golden sheen.

Over the years the urban legends have morphed and we are at an age where more and more people put this institution, and their experts, first.  To many, their opinions mean more then what God has to say on the subject matter. Who even asks Him?

I remember watching a documentary on Amish communities. The leader of one of the communities was asked why they do not vaccinate and his reply was simple: "They do not want to interfere with the Will of God."

And there it is. A major reason why my daughter suffers so......I interfered with the Will of God and made choices for my baby based on my complete trust in an entity other than Him. I idolized the ignorant golden calf and there are consequences. Why did I, like Israel go after false Gods....like Gomer went to other lovers? One answer ---- learned, inherited belief system.

I remember I would go to church for prayer for Olivia, one of the first things the church official would ask me is.....Have I made an idol out of Olivia and Olivia's healing? Now, as I think back to this specific question, I kind of laugh. Of course...the fact that she hadn't been healed was somehow my fault...it had to be. The fact that I idolized the medical community was ok - even appropriate in their eyes. They even prayed for the doctors to heal her, not God Himself. Does God use doctors to heal people? Absolutely! Is it the only way? Absolutely not!

Another piece of advice given to me by all sorts or experts.....doctors, pastors, school officials...that I had to stop trying to "control" my situation. In the eyes of the spiritual experts, I wouldn't give the control up to God. In the eyes of the doctors, I had to ditch the control and just except her for what they said was her fault.....a genetic imperfection (that they could never figure out). Now, with the wisdom I've been so richly given, this really makes me laugh. You know why? Because of what they don't want to believe.  I realize now, that I lost and transferred control of Olivia's life the minute I handed my beautiful baby girl to my pediatrician for her first vaccines. What I had left was feeling out of control and dependent on man, not God. And for what? Because I believed in an urban legend? Complete destruction of her life....all because of my ignorant learned belief system. I was so confident. I was so prideful.

Pride. Don't you love it? It's epidemic. Some of today's "experts" in all sorts of fields lack reverence. Only the prideful can pose as experts, especially when they have never even looked into the history and the truth of an invasive procedure like vaccines. Many just believe the past "experts", never thinking to investigate on their own. How would you feel if you found out that you've been Hoodwinked when it comes to the true polio history? What if it were really propaganda, or better yet merely an urban legend? (Resources at the bottom of this post if interested).

"Mistakes were made.....but not be me" is the 21st century mantra.

This happens to be the title of a best selling book.....Mistakes Were Made (but Not by Me): Why We Justify Foolish Beliefs, Bad Decisions, and Hurtful Acts. This is an amazing book written by two sociologists speaking directly to this subject - cognitive dissonance.

"Cognitive dissonance, the mental conflict that occurs when beliefs or assumptions are contradicted by new information. The unease or tension that the conflict arouses in people is relieved by one of several defensive maneuvers: they reject, explain away, or avoid the new information; persuade themselves that no conflict really exists; reconcile the differences; or resort to any other defensive means of preserving stability or order in their conceptions of the world and of themselves. The concept was developed in the 1950s by American psychologist Leon Festinger and became a major point of discussion and research." Encyclopedia Brittanica

The authors give a synopsis here:

"When we make mistakes, cling to outdated attitudes, or mistreat other people, we must calm the cognitive dissonance that jars our feelings of self-worth. And so, unconsciously, we create fictions that absolve us of responsibility, restoring our belief that we are smart, moral, and right—a belief that often keeps us on a course that is dumb, immoral, and wrong. Backed by years of research, Mistakes Were Made (But Not by Me) offers a fascinating explanation of self-justification—how it works, the damage it can cause, and how we can overcome it."

We humans are wired to cognitively justify our actions and choices. At the same time we blindly, almost willfully, spitefully, making horrible and ever-worsening decisions. As a result, we devote an enormous amount of energy to creating and maintaining false constructs designed to preserve a sense of individual exceptionalism.

Are we being intellectually honest with vaccines?

Mistakes were made.

By me.

By the golden calves I worshipped.

The buck has to stop with me. Pride separates me from the One who could figure Olivia's mess out. Remember my post "Assumptions Can Be Deceiving....... Continued"? In it, I posted the results of a recent study on Aluminum - specifically:

"Whilst being environmentally abundant, aluminum is not essential for life. On the contrary, aluminum is a widely recognized neurotoxin that inhibits more than 200 biologically important functions and causes various adverse effects in plants, animals, and humans". Kawahara 2011 PMID 21423554

It inhibits more than 200 biologically important functions! Obviously, even the alternative community has not discovered how her system was screwed up - literally. God is it. Only God can do the fixing and the rescuing.

Is this God's plan? For each and every one of his children to someday be dependent on a medication to control a once intact biological God-given system? A medication made from a company that makes billions of dollars? God promises us freedom in Him. Where's the freedom in that?

Olivia deserved better.

God's giving me a second chance at helping Olivia, as Hosea gave Gomer a second chance. Like Gomer, I will no longer be the "spiritual prostitute" I was during the first time around. I'm forgiven. I'm loved by the Author of the Greatest Love Story in the bible.

The golden calf never delivered for me, or for Olivia. Their ignorance in what was originally God's creation has just made things worse.

This scripture is precious. Going back to Olivia's "Valley of Achor", where this trouble began. Knowing what happened to her body and fixing it will bring us to the door of hope. Surprisingly, over the last 18 years that damage has never been completely addressed. With 18 years of conventional doctor visits under our belt, Olivia is at her all time worst. The last hospitalization almost killed her.

Olivia, sweetie, I'm sorry I was such a Gomer.

God can rescue you.

I still believe He has a plan for her life and I am done interfering with His Will. Lauren Daigle describes this beautifully in her recent song - Rescue.

You are not hidden
There's never been a moment
You were forgotten
You are not hopeless
Though you have been broken
Your innocence stolen

I hear you whisper underneath your breath
I hear your SOS, your SOS
I will send out an army to find you
In the middle of the darkest night
It's true, I will rescue you

Forget the former things;  do not dwell on the past. 
See, I am doing a new thing!
Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?
I am making a way in the wilderness
and streams in the wasteland. Isaiah 43:18-19



History of Polio resources:

Smoke, Mirrors and the "Disappearance" of Polio Dr. Suzanne Humphries

Dr. Suzanne Humphries book "Dissolving Illusions: Disease, Vaccines and the Forgotten History


The Moth in the Iron Lung: A Biography of Polio - Forrest Maready

Here is a Polio video series by Vaccine Historian - Forrest Maready

My Incredible Opinion with Forrest Maready - Polio Part 1
My Incredible Opinion with Forrest Maready - Polio Part 2
My Incredible Opinion with Forrest Maready - Polio Part 3
My Incredible Opinion with Forrest Maready - Polio Part 4
My Incredible Opinion with Forrest Maready - Polio Part 5
My Incredible Opinion with Forrest Maready - Polio Part 6

Tuesday, September 18, 2018

Happy 20th Birthday Olivia!

We all say it as our kids get older.....How can it be? 20 years have gone by for my baby girl and my heart feels heavy.

Oh, friends. I want to be positive. I want to use fluffy unicorn words to portray a fake, picture perfect response to such a monumental day. Can I just be real? Can I just be honest?

If nothing else, this....this being real......showing my human weakness is a big part of this faith journey I've been on.  In many respects, it parallels Olivia's current physical recovery efforts.

What the heck am I talking about?

I was just discussing this concept with a friend the other day. The concept is simple and hard in the same breath......as we recover....as we heal we have good days....but then we have bad days. As time goes on, soon our good days are equal to those bad days. Then, all of a sudden, there are more good days and the bad days aren't quite as bad as they were.

You get the picture.

Olivia and I are two peas in a pod. Those good days are multiplying, but the bad can overtake us in a moment.... sometimes for more than a moment.....kind of like the fierce storm that swept through our area in the last 24 hrs. Clouds moving in swiftly, lightning that appears to be coming through your windows and of course the gigantic "BOOM" of the delayed thunder as it wakes every living creature in the middle of the night. While laying in bed thinking, (let's be real....OVERthinking) the firey storm reminded me of one of my "go to" songs from a long time ago....."Praise You in The Storm " by Casting Crowns. Those heavenly lyrics...they kept me going when my bad days outnumbered the good. Here's a sampling:

I was sure by now, God you would have reached down
And wiped our tears away,
Stepped in and saved the day.
But once again, I say amen
That it's still raining
As the thunder rolls
I barely hear your whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
The God who gives and takes away.

Here's the good new about my journey thus far.....

As I think back, my bad days only turned good as I grabbed hold of God's word. In actuality, my "bad" days back then were really bad even though Olivia's health was better (she was eating by herself, walking and did not need a wheelchair). I hope I'm articulating this correctly. So, even though this "storm" in my life has intensified to a present day tsunami level, my bad days are a fraction of what they used to be and I give all that praise to the One who has led my heart down a path of redemption and freedom.

Redemption. One Oxford definition says that is is "the act of being saved by error".

Redemption and Freedom. Yes, freedom from the guilt and shame of my error.......blindly trusting a "belief" system, freedom from my self condemnation for such blatant ignorance of the choices I was making for my beautiful girl. My beautiful young lady.

That's how Good He is.

Here's what's crazy........my annual "what does God's word say about numbers bit".....she's 20 now. Biblically speaking the meaning of 20 symbolizes redemption, and/or a complete or perfect waiting period.

Can't make this stuff up.

Olivia can be redeemed. Her life can be saved from that error. Remember, I told you we are on a new path? So far...... so good. Like anything, we still have those bad days.....but the bad aren't as bad as they used to be. More on this later.

Happy Birthday Baby Girl. Here's to a new decade.....to restored Hope in the One who Redeems us from the wreckage.....who Restores us with True Wisdom and Truth. The One who has set us on a new path void of fear, ignorance and intimidation.

I feel I've reaped the benefit from "Praising Him In The Storm". On to a new skill.......Learning how to tell my heart to beat again. Teaching Olivia to allow hers to do the same.

"Tell Your Heart To Beat Again" Danny Gokey

"You're shattered - Like you've never been before
The life you knew - In a thousand pieces on the floor
And words fall short in times like these - When this world drives you to your knees
You think you're never gonna get back - To the you that used to be

Tell your heart to beat again - Close your eyes and breathe it in
Let the shadows fall away - Step into the light of grace
Yesterday's a closing door - You don't live there anymore
Say goodbye to where you've been - And tell your heart to beat again

Beginning --- Just let that word wash over you
It's alright now ----Love's healing hands have pulled you through
So get back up, take step one --- Leave the darkness, feel the sun
'Cause your story's far from over --- And your journey's just begun