I was back in the early days of our family life and we were at home, in our first house and all of a sudden Olivia was just gone. Like, physically gone from her bedroom.
I was in a panic. Running around the neighborhood, knocking door to door, calling the police, calling my friends and family, reeling with an indescribable feeling of dread.
It didn't matter though.
I was alone.
No one was alarmed. Their day was just like any other, mine, literally destroyed.
This dream brought it all back. I relived it.
I heard those comments again.
"No, the vaccines didn't do this. It's her. It's genetic." (Pediatrician)
"What did you do? This is your fault." (Pediatrician)
"No, there is nothing wrong with her bowels. She must just think she has to go #2 20 times a day." (Gastroenterologist )
"Well, if anything, the vaccines just "unmasked" an "underlying genetic condition" that's all, vaccines are safe and effective." (Neurologist)
"No way! That only happens to one in a million children, not Olivia. Vaccines saved the world. I'm sorry but you are wrong." (500 different versions like this - Multiple Friends and family members)
"Her genetic tests are all clear, but she clearly has a genetic problem - we just haven't discovered it yet. We will figure it out some day, I'm sure of it." (Geneticist)
"God gave inspiration to man for vaccines. Vaccines are resources and instruments from God. They save lives and Olivia's life was affected for the greater good. (Multiple Pastors and Church Officials)
Drifting in and out of this dream was bittersweet. Seeing and re-experiencing her beautiful soul before it disappeared was magical. My subconscious remembered her sweetness and her intelligence in a way that could only come from Above. A dream like state that only He could recreate.
But then she was gone, and that feeling of her being ripped away was back and it hurt more then ever.
No one believed me, and soon I didn't believe in myself. What a natural progression.
Are we born unbelievers, or are we just subject to an unbelieving world? Have you ever thought about that? The last couple months I've been thinking about the anatomy, or the "internal workings", of unbelief?
I wonder if you've ever been there? Trying so hard to believe for something when no one else would.
When Olivia was first injured and her health began declining rapidly, no one believed that she was vaccine injured. Friends and family were the first to hear the news and they were as supportive as they could be, but my news cut against everything they had known, everything they had been told, and to many of them it was just unbelievable.
As Olivia's condition worsened after several medical interventions, my belief of the cause of her rapid decline became even clearer. Now I was repeating my "theory" with professionals - doctors, nurses, and therapists of every kind and it soon turned ugly. I was mocked. I was threatened. I was talked about behind closed doors.
I know what you are thinking......why am I slipping into the past? I've asked myself the question over the last couple days as I began writing this post. My only explanation is that a comment triggered me, and like many that suffer from PTSD, that trigger kicked me back to that curb I thought I finally left behind.
Here's what people don't understand about life with a vaccine injured child....people don't want to hear it, and if they do hear it, they immediately look at the parent differently. Immediately.
Most do not SAY it, but their body language does, and it communicates loud and clear.
And that was, in my opinion, the beginning of unbelief, plain and simple. Rejection. Compartmentalization. Avoidance.
Each and every person, each and every comment took a little piece of me. Soon, those missing pieces left a hole. A gaping hole in my heart, a hole in my story - like "oh my gosh ---- did this really happen to my girl?", but most importantly it left me with a clear case of unbelief.....in myself.
That's why I did it.
That's why I ran screaming and thrashing towards God, because I was thrashing myself enough. My relationships were suffering....they couldn't help me. I mean, who the heck knows what they would do when their perfect toddler, who was talking and potty trained, all of a sudden STOPS DOING IT ALL. Believe me, you don't know what you would do until it happens to you.
My experience seems to always end up in a beautifully written song. A couple years ago, when I heard Steffany Gretzinger's song "Pieces", I found rescue and restoration in her lyrics.
God has proven to be "Unreserved, unrestrained, His love is wild for me. It isn't shy, It's unashamed
His love is proud to be seen with me".
Seriously, I needed that.
Our story wasn't worthy enough for the people in my life to even question the idea of vaccination, let alone research the truth and benefit from the education. Why the heck did I need that validation? I mean, my amazing college friends threw together a benefit that raised a large sum of money. I was and will forever be thankful for that amazing night and their support❤️
Let me be clear.....95% of the people in our lives were and have been very kind, and I know they felt extremely bad for us. This post is not about people being mean........it's about people not believing. There is a difference.
It's a lonely road emotionally when the most defining moment of your life makes you an embarrassment for friends and loved ones to even associate with you. For some, it was that defining.
Some friends and family are now dealing with their adult children with serious mental health, neurological and/or autoimmune issues. Its so sad. But it's a reality for many, chronic illness now affects 54% of children and young adults If the experts were right about the safety of vaccines, shouldn't our children be getting healthier?
If you've been following our sorted tale, I'm sure you have read my references to the Bible story about Jesus healing the epileptic boy. Here's that story to refresh your memory.
"When they came to the other disciples, they saw a large crowd around them and the teachers of the law arguing with them. As soon as all the people saw Jesus, they were overwhelmed with wonder and ran to greet him.
“What are you arguing with them about?” he asked.
A man in the crowd answered, “Teacher, I brought you my son, who is possessed by a spirit that has robbed him of speech. Whenever it seizes him, it throws him to the ground. He foams at the mouth, gnashes his teeth and becomes rigid. I asked your disciples to drive out the spirit, but they could not.”
“You unbelieving generation,” Jesus replied, “how long shall I stay with you? How long shall I put up with you? Bring the boy to me.”
So they brought him. When the spirit saw Jesus, it immediately threw the boy into a convulsion. He fell to the ground and rolled around, foaming at the mouth.
Jesus asked the boy’s father, “How long has he been like this?”
“From childhood,” he answered. “It has often thrown him into fire or water to kill him. But if you can do anything, take pity on us and help us.”
“‘If you can’?” said Jesus. “Everything is possible for one who believes.”
Immediately the boy’s father exclaimed, “I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!”
When Jesus saw that a crowd was running to the scene, he rebuked the impure spirit. “You deaf and mute spirit,” he said, “I command you, come out of him and never enter him again.” The spirit shrieked, convulsed him violently and came out. The boy looked so much like a corpse that many said, “He’s dead.” But Jesus took him by the hand and lifted him to his feet, and he stood up." Mark 9:14-29.
Let's think about this father from Mark 9:14-29. He was alone with his son. The scripture does not say that he was there with other family members or friends. It's the father and his son, and it's clear that his child had been suffering "since childhood". You know what else is clear? That he had traveled from afar.....that everyone had failed to help his child.....even the disciples. His first words spoken to Jesus were "if you can". Jesus already knew the whole crowd's heart. "You unbelieving generation".
Of course he's full of unbelief.....no one had been able to stop his son's suffering, even the disciples, who were healing people left and right. Where did his unbelief come from? From his experiences, from the way he had been treated along the way. I can imagine that people were whispering to each other, "why doesn't he just accept that his son was just BORN that way, it was his DESTINY, it's something wrong with HIM.
But no, the father would not give up, only Jesus could help with his unbelief. He restored his "pieces" of faith. The "pieces" of hope. The "pieces" essential for BELIEVING.
I love this Matthew Henry Commentary about this block of scripture:
"The father of the suffering youth reflected on the want of power in the disciples; but Christ will have him reckon the disappointment to the want of faith. Very much is promised to our believing. If thou canst believe, it is possible that thy hard heart may be softened, thy spiritual diseases may be cured; and, weak as thou art, thou mayest be able to hold out to the end.
Those that complain of unbelief, must look up to Christ for grace to help them against it, and his grace will be sufficient for them. Whom Christ cures, he cures effectually. But Satan is unwilling to be driven from those that have been long his slaves, and, when he cannot deceive or destroy the sinner, he will cause him all the terror that he can. The disciples must not think to do their work always with the same ease; some services call for more than ordinary pains."
For those who worry that I carry offense, that just isn't so. I've let go of the disappointment a long time ago. I'm not going to lie, it still stings a little bit when someone denies her injury, I am human. But just as I wouldn't throw away the depth of understanding I've developed by reading God's Truth, I will never throw away the vast education and Truth I've secured about the lies and dangers of vaccines, to believe in their ignorance. Never.
When I start getting down on myself and my situation and the fight I'm up against I just remind myself of David, as in David and Goliath. I'm reminded that he was teased....no one believed in him, but he went ahead and stepped into his destiny and defeated Goliath. Someday, Olivia and I will step into our destiny.
I feel we are getting closer by the day.❤️
I'm not alone, I'm with the One who restores all the pieces.