Olivia and I are looking forward to a busy summer of rehabbing! This verse has been on my mind lately for so many reasons.
Driving home from an appointment yesterday, I had to take this video of Olivia:
As I looked over to her, I realized how far she has come this school year.
She is sitting up.....on her own. She looks relaxed and interested in the cool wind blowing her beautiful blonde ponytail around. She appears more in control, a tiny bit closer to the life that should have been hers....one of independence...one of new experiences and intellectual growth.
Milestone days are always the hardest days, and sometimes I sink back into "what should've been" land.
Just being honest.
I had an interesting talk with a friend who has had tough times and gets stuck in "what should've been" land. Although I do visit (more frequently lately), I never want to stay and establish roots there....visiting is hard enough.
Often times, I'm there with my friend and we discuss my hope in Olivia's healing and the fact that it's my faith that leads me away from that darkened place. Without fail, I'm always challenged with the questions raised by my friend's breaking heart. Questions like:
"If God was going to heal her, why hasn't he done it yet?" Invariably, I defend. I argue. My main point always being that I have free will, and because she is my child, I have always made her life's decisions for her and some of those decisions caused her harm, even though my decisions were predicated by a set of guidelines I was told I must follow. I continued....How can God heal her if I'm always giving in to the doctors, to the medicine, to the things that always seem to damage her health? In the past, I've been forced to make decisions based on fear that is fed to me by the experts, and she always ends up worse....not better.
I'm sure you've heard me talk about this before. It's maddening.
But, then, my friend threw me a loophole by further challenging....."Yeah, I can see that, but why does it even matter? You always talk of God's power & might, so even if you are making all sorts of 'free will bad decisions', He could still do it.............if He wanted to."
How can you argue that point? It's true. He could do it under any circumstances, and sometimes He chooses not to heal.
So there I sat. Confronted with a reality that many, many people experience. I could feel the roots taking hold.
Just then I remembered a scripture from a bible study I did a while back --
"Do not give dogs what is sacred; do not throw your pearls to pigs. If you do, they may trample them under their feet, and then turn and tear you to pieces". Matthew 7:6
God has built me up. He has grown my faith and planted my feet on His sturdy foundation. This doubt is too destructive for me to entertain...even in the slightest way. I've learned to persist, and to pursue God. Others may try and give up. That doesn't have to be my story.
Our story is the next two verses:
"Ask and it will be given to you, seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened." Matthew 7:7-8
I am always learning, always reaching, always trying to find what I can do to help my girl. That is not stopping. I figure, God can always do something with what I learn, what Olivia learns and any progress for my precious girl is worth trying to move mountains.
Here's to an amazing summer of continued seeking, knocking and leaning into His Word, and His plan for Olivia's life. I continue to remind myself that He is the Author, not only of my faith, but of her precious life! He will bring down the story He has written for her from Heaven. In His Perfect Timing!! Just you wait!!