All morning I have oscillated between scores of emotions as I consider that she is now a young adult. Gone are her childhood years. Over. Never will she take part in the things of childhood that each and every mother swoons over as her little cherub's age. I think it may be harder because she did develop normally until 2. I got to witness her emerging personality. The silliness, the stubbornness and of course her sweet soft voice. She was incredibly smart. I remember once when she was 7-months old and we were in the kitchen. I asked her "Where's your nuky?" She immediately worked her way out of my arms and crawled to the other side of the house to her room. Once in her room, she crawled under her crib and came out from under with her nuk in her mouth! Smiling ear to ear. So proud of herself! I was amazed!!
Thankfully I was able to witness the sweetness of her as a toddler, but then she was gone. It's hard to not mourn that she was now a shell. She had withdrawn into a sea of neurological mayhem. Silent and suffering with daily seizures.
I completely missed out on the innocence of a 4-year old learning the first shreds of independence, silent to toddler church favorites like "Jesus Loves Me". Fabricated memories are all I have of her turning 6.......imagining her to be wide-eyed with excitement over her first tooth fairy visit or the belief in Santa and his reindeers and elves. I'll never forget that first Christmas as Marty and I lay next to each other, completely numb.....completely silent as the tears streamed down our faces in the dark of the night.
No longer can I think about the hilarity and confusion of being a tween girl and the coming of age as a teenager, with each and every milestone on the way. The first crush. Confirmation. The driver's license. First dance. Prom. Graduation. It's over and there is no getting it back for her. There is immense emotional loss when you lose your child to Autism and neurological disfunction.
But here's the good news. We're on a different path. A straightened one. One that honors faith instead of long hours of labor. Wisdom has spoken and several new pieces of Olivia's puzzle have been revealed.....as promised.
I refuse to mourn her lost childhood years any longer because the hope that resides in me now fuels my passion for the new milestones Olivia will conquer. For those who follow my blog...... remember my last post? I dived in head first to discover the Will of God on healing. With that information I started taking different steps; seeking wisdom from other experts.
Faithful readers! God is Faithful. Even to those of us that have been waiting for years and years. Remember this post from September 21, 2015? Olivia had been in the hospital for 10 days and I was completely worn!
Just one year later and I am finally on the right path! It reminds me of the Beth Moore Deuteronomy study I did in 2013. One of the main goals in her series was to help people "regain their vision", or in my case - "discover her puzzle pieces", what went wrong and what are the pieces I need to get her on the road to health again? I've seen a lot of smart doctors (both conventional and alternative) and they haven't been able to figure it out. Beth shows the word "See" being used 29 times in the book of Deuteronomy. He wants to point us in the right direction.
"See, I have set the land before you. Go in and take possession of the land that the LORD swore to your fathers, to Abraham, to Isaac, and to Jacob, to give to them and to their offspring after them." Deuteronomy 1:8
He humbles me. His willingness to hold on tight encourages me. He has never given up on me and my fight for her. The true revelation He has for me comes as I watch Tenth Avenue North "Worn" video one more time.
As my eyes are glued to the screen, and I am belting out the memorized lyrics, He grants me the vision of a lifetime ---- the green leaves, which previously were brown, as they float upward toward the branches turn into puzzle pieces. As they rise, they are Meticulously joined together. He grants me the sweet vision of running toward the base of the tree where He is waiting. In no time flat, I am in His amazing strong arm as He points up to the puzzle pieces in flight, as they move to be joined. I look down his arm, to the end of His index finger and there is the tapestry of Olivia's life as a completed puzzle. This time, with my soul quieted, I am able to hear Him whisper, "See......See".